Dear Stephanie Meyer,
I want to tell you something: I really, really, really, really do not like you. My dislike sits on the brink of loathing. That’s right – I just said loathing. In case your insipid mind cannot grasp the concept of a word that is more than six letters, it means that I hate you.
Why, you ask, as you scratch the top of your head with a confused and disgruntled expression on your face?
Look no further than to the very series of books you have penned.
I’m talking about the Twilight saga.
To put it nicely, it’s the bane of my existence.
However, I am one of about 67 people in the entire universe who feel this way, as the series of books has received a serious amount of attention and, worse, a committed, loyal, bat-shit crazy fan base (often referred to as Twihards because, yes, they are that hardcore). These Edward Cullen aficionados practically WORSHIP the saga, and all of the movies, actors, clothing lines and jewelry lines that have been born from the series.
I know what you’re thinking – I’m just one of those bitter nonconformists hating the popular series merely because it’s popular. I’m not. I actually have valid reasons why this series gets under my skin. I’ve done my research – yes, I’ve actually read all four “novels” and have even seen the multi-million dollar grossing film – because my curiosity got the best of me. And, hey, if I’m going to hate something, I would rather make an informed decision about my hatred than just go about being ignorant.
So, don’t worry. I’m not just going to tell you that I hate you; I’m also going to give you reasons why I feel this way and subsequently harm you to a higher degree via the English language.
First and foremost, the grammar is just atrocious. Have you ever attended college? Or what about high school, for that matter? It doesn’t appear so, as the sentence structure is that of a third grader. Maybe this is your editors’ fault – as this type of thing should be fixed PRIOR to the book being published. But hey, we can’t place all of the blame on them! It is quite possible that they clearly became brain dead while reading the trash you gave them and just signed off on the whole thing in a confused stupor. I understand that the book was intended for pre-teens but when was the last time you conversed with one? They have a pretty good understanding of the English language at that point in their lives. I’m not saying that your style of writing should be that of James Joyce, but you probably do not know who he is anyway.
Now let’s just pause for a minute and talk about the “heroine” of your tale, Bella Swan. With my feministic values aside, Bella Swan is one of the most incorrigible, annoying and pathetic characters in the entire world. You say that you want Bella to be a role model for young girls – yet what message are you sending? Throughout the first, second, third and fourth book, Bella repeatedly protests that she is not worthy of Edward’s love and affection. When he leaves her in the second novel, she breaks down, becomes severely depressed and acts outlandishly stupid in order to see visions of him. Bella’s entire world is Edward and she actually cannot exist without him. You are telling girls everywhere that it is OKAY to act in this manner. You are exclaiming that it is fine to not feel worthy enough for a guy, and to cease living if he ever leaves. It’s actually nausea-inducing to hear these words come out of Bella’s mouth (and your brain). Women have fought for years to be equals, to have the same choices as men, to be strong and independent! And here you are, allowing a new generation to feel that it is acceptable to do exactly the opposite.
(If you want to hear some more feminist views on Twilight, read this article: http://www.msmagazine.com/Fall2009/newmoon.asp)
Here’s another thing: your chosen characteristics of vampires do not really work well. According to you, they can live during the day (only if it’s cloudy though, otherwise they glitter like My Little Ponies), are SUPER SUPER strong, are SUPER SUPER fast and have poisonous venom that kills you when it enters a human’s bloodstream. Also, most vampire clans are not fuzzy bunnies like the Cullens; rather, they kill and mutilate humans. In short, these vamps are virtually indestructible. Okay….. so, if they can do all this, why do any humans exist at all? Why don’t the human characters in Twilight live in fear of being brutally murdered by these supernatural beings? Oh, silly me, I forgot – they have a government system! Right, right, makes sense.
Finally, no one cares that you’re Mormon, so stop filling every spare second with the “I’m Worth Waiting For” campaign. No one’s listening. Seriously - do they pay you or something?
Thank you for your time, and I hope that your hands fall off and you become mute; therefore, you have no way of transcribing another piece of writing. Ever. Again.
Sincerely yours,
That girl consistently slashing your tires
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