Tuesday, April 08, 2008
"Inside my head"
Sometimes I worry and sometimes I get anxious, and then angry and pissed off and the next second content and happy and I worry a little more because there are so many things to worry about like donuts and blowing out tires and irrational people and pimples and there are things that are out of my control and a lot of the time images just flash in my head like speeding cars and I'm running, I'm always running, haven't you noticed that I'm always running and it's you, you freak me out, if I don't hear from you I freak and I don't have a hold, but I just want you to like me because I thought you were more into me than I was into you but maybe not anymore and I really hate that some people don't know the differences between 'than' and 'then' and I know some people read this and are probably freaked out and I wonder how many people I freak out, you know, and then I wonder if I care because one second I do and the next it's like fuck it and I never do my homework, I'm always so tired, sometimes it's hard to stand on my own two feet and sometimes I can't stand you and that's a lie, I can never not stand you, I say things I don't mean in the heat of the moment, it's just sometimes you need to learn to chill and not act like a hot piece of shit, and I'm worried about college and I'm going to Loyola and then there are images of what I want to do, and my imagination runs wild and I can be having a conversation with someone and in my head but be thinking of an entirely different scenario and sometimes I think I won't make it, but I have to, don't I, doesn't everyone make it somehow in some way and sometimes I wonder if you read this because I used to like you and I care about you in that friend-like way and I want to see if you care too but I doubt you read this because you don't give me the time of day and I've noticed I tend to go for people who don't give me much attention on second glance and I want to fight for it and expunge too much energy and I'm not an idiot and sometimes I say things I regret and sometimes I am self-conscious and sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and not come out and sometimes I want to live on the clouds and escape, I always want to escape because I'm never satiated and I want to read my horoscope and sometimes I'm frustrated but overall I'm glad I'm where I am.
Tuesday, April 03, 2008
My computer is a piece of shit. I don't blame it - it's really old, and me adding 4000+ songs and I'm sure the same amount of high-res pictures doesn't help. I can't complain - I'm going to get a laptop for college anyway.
However, I have this fear that one day my computer is just going to shut down completely inexplicably because it gave up. So now I'm trying to prevent this from happening by deleting unnecessary files and programs from my computer. It was hard, but I went through my music collection and deleted some stuff that I never listen to/really do not enjoy. It was really painful - I kept thinking that someday I would need this music and when the occasion came, I would be terribly sorry that I had deleted this certain artist. But I did delete about 2 or 3 albums, which did absolutely nothing to help the condition of my aging computer.
So, I went to my picture files. (I'm getting to the point). You know, as a freshmen and/or sophomore, I would take a shit load of pictures just so I could say I took pictures. Some pictures were pointless (like of a carpet or something), or some were so blurry that you couldn't really see the person. Some were just plain embarrassing (for me and for others too) and they were eradicated so no one could lay eyes on them again. So I went through the arduous task of going through almost every picture in order to sift through those I don't need in order to prevent the death of my dear Dell.
I'm in a random album (actually titled 'Random'). And there are only four pictures in it. I delete one particularly ferocious looking one and skip to the next. It's a picture of a friend sitting on a couch. She doesn't look too pleased, and at closer look, one can see the pain and confusion in her eyes. At the time, everything outwardly appeared great, and if she did look semi-upset in the picture, one could argue was that I caught her off-guard.
I decide that I hate this picture. I hate this picture because the day said picture was taken I could not ever imagine what was going on in my friend's head. I was trying to figure out my own fucked-up self and was wallowing in my own self-hate. This picture actually makes me enraged. I only wish that I could have snapped out of it long enough to save someone. This picture reminds me that I was too much of idiot to see something I would find out 6 months later (more or less.. six just seemed like a good enough number). I know I'm not to blame, but I feel as if I did nothing to prevent ('prevent' must be the word of this entry..) the harm caused to my friend, my best friend.
I wanted to delete this picture, because it made me sick - not because of the way the person looked, but because of the negative connotations it held - but for some inexplicable reason, I didn't.
I went to the next one, and so my cleaning process continues.
However, I have this fear that one day my computer is just going to shut down completely inexplicably because it gave up. So now I'm trying to prevent this from happening by deleting unnecessary files and programs from my computer. It was hard, but I went through my music collection and deleted some stuff that I never listen to/really do not enjoy. It was really painful - I kept thinking that someday I would need this music and when the occasion came, I would be terribly sorry that I had deleted this certain artist. But I did delete about 2 or 3 albums, which did absolutely nothing to help the condition of my aging computer.
So, I went to my picture files. (I'm getting to the point). You know, as a freshmen and/or sophomore, I would take a shit load of pictures just so I could say I took pictures. Some pictures were pointless (like of a carpet or something), or some were so blurry that you couldn't really see the person. Some were just plain embarrassing (for me and for others too) and they were eradicated so no one could lay eyes on them again. So I went through the arduous task of going through almost every picture in order to sift through those I don't need in order to prevent the death of my dear Dell.
I'm in a random album (actually titled 'Random'). And there are only four pictures in it. I delete one particularly ferocious looking one and skip to the next. It's a picture of a friend sitting on a couch. She doesn't look too pleased, and at closer look, one can see the pain and confusion in her eyes. At the time, everything outwardly appeared great, and if she did look semi-upset in the picture, one could argue was that I caught her off-guard.
I decide that I hate this picture. I hate this picture because the day said picture was taken I could not ever imagine what was going on in my friend's head. I was trying to figure out my own fucked-up self and was wallowing in my own self-hate. This picture actually makes me enraged. I only wish that I could have snapped out of it long enough to save someone. This picture reminds me that I was too much of idiot to see something I would find out 6 months later (more or less.. six just seemed like a good enough number). I know I'm not to blame, but I feel as if I did nothing to prevent ('prevent' must be the word of this entry..) the harm caused to my friend, my best friend.
I wanted to delete this picture, because it made me sick - not because of the way the person looked, but because of the negative connotations it held - but for some inexplicable reason, I didn't.
I went to the next one, and so my cleaning process continues.
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