"Iris"

Do you have that one song that brings back a memory so strong it’s like you’re still there? I have a bunch. There are moments in my life that I will never forget, and most of them have their own soundtracks.

So I went to an old friend of mine’s acoustic set at a local coffee shop in Sea Isle. A little back-story for you - this guy and I had some history and it didn’t end well – and by “didn’t end well,” I mean he broke my heart. After a while, I got over him, but he never seemed to do the same. I know this because the same wistful look and shy smile comes across his face every time we bump into each other. So, I’ll be honest – I went to this show because I was bored, yes, but also to see him get that look, because I find a ton of humor in this irony.

So, again, I arrive at the coffee shop before he does, and sit in the far corner, read my book (One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest if you really want to know) and enjoy some iced coffee. He arrives not long after I do, and once he finishes setting up, he sees me and – boom! – there it is, that nostalgic look comes over he face as he smiles and gives a little wave.

His set goes fine – he’s actually pretty talented in both singing and guitar playing and every once in a while I get a glance in my direction. Also, half of his family is there as well, and his aunt is completely trashed (I saw her kill an entire bottle of white wine by herself!) which is really just fucking hilarious.

I’m about ready to leave and just as I’m thinking this he starts to play Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. There is no significance with this song for me. I liked it a lot when I was in grade school, but that was pretty much it. He never played it for me before, and we never even discussed the musical stylings of the band ever. But, with this song, memories come flooding back, and I, well, sort of miss him.

I leave shortly thereafter, and the feeling fades.

It was just odd. One song, and every single thing I’ve ever felt concerning him came rushing back. It wasn’t as if I’m still pining for him – whatever we had was over and done with almost two years ago. He has a girlfriend now, and I’m crushing on some dude at school (who thinks I’m a great friend – awesome! But that’s another story..). We’re over, done. But still, for an amount of about three minutes, it was like it was my senior year again, and he was sending me texts telling me how beautiful I was, only to say he doesn’t want to be with me three short days later. It was like I was still at my work telling my coworkers that No, I couldn’t hang out with them this weekend, because I had a date, only to go home that very night to find a message saying that it wouldn’t work out. Then I start thinking about what could have been, and where we would be now.. and I felt a little sad, and a little reminiscent.

It’s almost funny how this popular tune from the 90s could induce so much feeling, but as some dude named E. Y. Harburg** said, “Words make you think a though. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought.”

** He’s actually a lyricist, and is most famous for writing “Over the Rainbow” along with the rest of the music for The Wizard of Oz.

Everyone needs a good cry once in a while.

Today I sat in the shower, and I cried. While the hot water rained down on me, I cried. I cried and cried. I cried for all the bad times I had with a particular friend of mine. I cried for all the good times, too, because it makes moving on that much harder. I cried for not knowing what is going to happen in the coming year, and I cried for knowing what did happen in this past year. I cried for a friend who is apparently having a rough time, and I cried for another friend who lost one of her best friends. I kept on crying. I cried for all the mistakes I made, and I cried at the thought of losing one of my best friends. I cried and I cried and I cried.

Then I wiped off my tears, got up, turned off the shower and went on with my life.

Flashbulb Memory: "Me v. Maradona v. Elvis"

I’m in Vistation’s gym, two years after I had tossed my cap in the air and left, because a high school battle of the bands is taking place. Maroon shirt that became well-worn and no longer used, gray shirt with frayed ends that found itself in my college wardrobe. I look at the set list for his band, and say, Can you dedicate a Brand New song to me? They’re my favorite band. Sure, sure. Songs I know and songs I don’t play, until, This one is for you. He sings the words, perfectly, sounds just like Jesse. Let’s go on stage and dance, Alyssa says. We climb on and hippie dance – arms swaying, eyes closed, immersed in some silly piece of music that means more to you than anyone else can ever understand. All during the song, you stare and stare and sing and play guitar and sing. That was when we both fell.

Fulfillment

I guess you could say God has blessed with some gifts, and some curses with one of them being my ability to become terrified in the "love" area. Many a men have passed through my life, and it's true when I say that they have broken my heart more times than I have broken anyone's heart.

A lot of them came and went. I'm sure more will continue to come into my life and continue to exit right out of it. Just a fair few stick in my mind now, as the ones I was so sure I was "in looooove" with are fading faster and faster.

As I sit here, window open, breeze gently blowing my hair into my face, one guy sticks in my mind. It never worked out because some things were never said, when maybe they should have been. What would have happened if I was, for once, honest with myself and with him? What would our friendship be like today? So many "what ifs". So many what could have happened what would have happened where would I be today.

None of that matters now, but sometimes it is nice to wonder.





I will say that I did get fulfillment this year, after all this time.

Don't Knock It

When I was at the tender, tender age of 14 and entering high school, I met a wide variety of people. I met some people who had started drinking at young ages like 12 or 13. I never knew of a world that existed like that. When I was that age, I didn't really have a desire to go out and party. 21 isn't too far away, I figured, and I have plenty of time in the rest of my life to get drunk. However, I still always listened to one girl's drunk stories. I thought 14 and 15 were ages too young to go out and drink, but if that's what she wanted to do, then go for it.

Clearly, the idea of waiting until I was 21 didn't pan out. Like the average teenager, I started drinking, but not until my junior year of high school and I met that "bad crowd" parents were so wary that you would fall into in all those Lifetime movies. It was when I started working at Shannondell that I started going to parties and started drinking. Back then, I was a baby. Two shots and I'm giggling like a buffoon. Ever make fun of a "Two Beer Queer"? That was totally me. I never really did anything too outrageous when drunk (if I even was that), and, for the most part, I was responsible. My drinking habits would peak in my freshmen year of college, and now I see myself as somewhat of an experienced drinker. However, I still don't feel the need to drink with every activity nowadays - I'm extremely against drunk driving, my liver needs a break every once and a while, and, most importantly, I don't need a beer in each hand to kick back and have a good time with my friends.

Some people don't really share my point of view on drinking. I knew these two sisters who, in the early days of their years in high school, were so against teen drinking that they would go so far as to judge those who did do it. This isn't an ABC Family original series - teenagers go to parties, and they drink all the time. Besides being illegal, it's not that big of a deal. Once or twice, I would hear them call someone who enjoys drinking out, and try to make them look like an ass for "drinking too much."

Flash forward just a mere couple of years to me doing some Facebook stalking. I stumble onto these sister's pages, and what do I see? Underage drinking. A lot of it. Aaaaaand they're all bifflez with the girls at the school who are poster girls for Pabst and Natty!!

A change of opinion is not the point here, because clearly I changed mine. But to judge and criticize one party only to join them a few years later? Hello Pot? This is Kettle calling. It just has me bugged that their drastic opinion went the completely opposite way to, as it appears, fit in with a crowd.

Sometimes I just lose faith in our generation.

The Upsides of Mono (Yes, I found some.)

When you have mono, you get pretty damn lethargic, so, naturally, I find myself on Facebook way more than I should. It's Day 2 of me officially having mono, and instead of focusing on the fact that I'll be stuck in my house for the rest of the summer, I decided to blog.

1. It's a virtual no-work-required diet! The loss of appetite is extreme. I've only been able to eat cous cous today, and some mango sorbet. But, hey, who wants to eat when the pain of swallowing is much like the pain of being mauled by baby pandas? I was officially diagnosed with mono yesterday, but I've been battling it since Wednesday, and boy, has this new diet been working! The lack of food has made me weak, plus my clothes are already starting to sag! And JUST in time for swimsuit season! Too bad I'm too weak and diseased to actually go to the beach, but if I were to choose to put on a bathing suit, I would look fantastic!

2. My parents have been coddling me as if I was five years old again. Buying me magazines, making all my favorite foods (even though I only gum at them), taking special requests, etc. Hey, I'm not complaining.

3. You know how you've always wanted to just sit on the couch all day and watch movies/television, but you didn't feel like undergoing scrutiny for being a "lazy piece of shit"? Well, now you can, because one of the side effects of mononucleosis is fatigue! Plus, the doctor says you need to get your rest, so rest up, my friend, rest all you want!

4. You get sympathy from everyone - and I mean, everyone. Family, friends, strangers, all of them, because no one wants to be you (Sorry, it's true).

5. All those little things you had planned to do, but just didn't get to because, well, you had a life? Well, once you have mono, your life is confined to the insides of your house so all those podcasts you subscribed to for absolutely no reason? Now you can sort through them, and delete some of the weirder IndieFeed tracks. I've been updating my music collection, and I'm thinking about learning Italian - for shits and giggles.

6. Remember when you felt obligated to look presentable? Well, say goodbye to all that pesky personal hygiene! I mean, if you're not going to see anyone for a couple of weeks then what's the point of brushing your hair, shaving your legs, showering...

So, this is my life now, but I might as well make the best of it.

Positive Thinking in Summer '09

Every summer breeds a plethora of raging, crazy ideas for what one plans to do for the next 3-4 months.

"I'm going down the shore every weekend!"
"I'm getting fucked-up in every single one of my friend's houses!"
"I'm going to road-trip to see America's largest ball of yarn!"
"I'm scaling the Comcast Building with just a fisherman's hook and mint-flavored floss!"
"I'm going to have a job and make money, because my boss WON'T fuck me over in part due to my loyalty over the past three years of service!"

And, virtually every summer a lot of these expectations aren't fulfilled (Okay, the last one is just me being bitter, and this really isn't a thought that goes through many people's heads). Going down the shore every weekend? Might not work as family and work (if you actually have a job, because your boss didn't give you a lesson in the harsh reality that sometimes in this world, life just isn't fair - still bitter) commitments stand in the way. Getting drunk on all days that end in Y? Your friends, your wallet and your liver may not be able to handle that. Road trips? Gas prices are on the rise, my friends, and since you plan on taking all these road trips and not working, the not-making-any-money factor plus the possible admission prices to cheesy American novelties may come into play. I'm not even going to address the Comcast Building one, because that's just illogical!

The point being: most of us come up with these elaborate plans and end up being terribly let down when they inevitably don't happen. And then, we spend the rest of our spare time complaining how positively HORRIBLE summer and how absolutely BORING it is because we didn't get to grant our heart's every desire. We lament - via Facebook and Twitter, of course, because this is 2009 - how awful the summer of 2009 is.

You know what?

Stop whining.

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Shut up. I don't want to hear it.

So you didn't get to go to raging, backyard parties everyday and drunkenly sing "Never Gonna Give You Up". So you didn't get to travel across the state to see a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright. So you work a lot.

Stop focusing on the negative, and let's take a look at the silver lining.

1. It's July. You have two months left to make the weird dream in the back of your head happen.
2. Did you ever think that all that whining you were doing got in the way of making something good out of the situation? Maybe if you weren't so focused on the negative, you would be able to see the positive.
3. If you work a lot, think about all the booze money you'll have for the school year. Plan something with friends from work, as you all have the mutual hatred of at least one coworker/manager you can bond over. Or if the people you work suck, plan small things to do before or after work with other friends. No one goes to bed early anyway, and never underestimate the good times you can have with your friends simply by grabbing a bite to eat.

Most importantly, you're alive, well and breathing. You don't have the stress of schoolwork or any of those other trivial college things to bring you down. You have spare time to relax and tan. You are able to see your family with whom you're without for eight months, as well as seeing those friends who always said they would visit you during the school year but never did. The ice cream man comes around your neighborhood (that jingle of Pop! Goes the Weasel still perks my ears up). You can catch up on some T.V. you missed out on, or some books you were dying to read. You can take a nice, refreshing walk in the park or you can laze around on the sofa all day.

So stop worrying about fulfilling all of your outrageous summer plans. Relax, take a deep breath and chill out. Isn't that what summer is all about?

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It's complicated. It's not easy, and most times it's so hard, you want to quit. Every bone in your body is tired, and every muscle aches. You want to give up. It's so much easier to give up and say to hell with it all. It's easier to go on with a facade.

Hopefully, as you grow, the voice inside you grows, too. And every time you want to give up, it says, "Don't." "You can do this." "You are stronger than this." And hopefully, you listen. Hopefully, you realize that nothing is ever sunshine and daisies. You recognize who you can trust and who will help you make it.

Hopefully, you know that it's going to suck most of the time, and hopefully, you know that it's worth it in the end.